13
Feb
14

Big-J’s Big Hot Valentine’s Day Tips

Here we are again, V-Day.

C-Jane and I couldn’t sleep one night. As we laid there in bed, we discussed healthy sex tips we could give to lovers, young and old, to make their love life as rewarding and rich as ours. Cosmopolitan would have named this article, “Four hot tips to make your lover surrender their bunghole on V-Day.”

v day 4

1) You AXEd for it

I had to consult Sexpert Cuz Jo on this one. She said AXE body spray was a real turn off for her. She said, “Nothing says amateur in the sack like the reek of AXE.” However, being a true animal in the sack, I’ve found WD-40 to be the best aphrodisiac. I just spray a little on my chest, and inner thighs, and “BAM!” Women are all over me. C-Jane has grown so sick of judo chopping scantly clad women slavering all over my body, she now keeps the WD-40 in a safe that only she knows the combination. Bom-chicka-bow-wow, bitches!

2) In for a Long Nighty

C-Jane’s got Victoria’s Secret. Sure, lingerie on the right woman is super-hot. But let’s face some facts here, America isn’t getting any sexier, unless bigger is better. If that’s true for you, then have at it, buy her a nighty and rock that bed!

However, I’m getting bigger, and Big-J in lingerie isn’t a pretty sight. So to get C-Jane in the mood, I wear a clown suit. In the background, Al Greene sings, Let’s Get It On, and with big red shoes, here I come, sauntering like a jungle cat in my gold and orange baggy onesie. Next thing you know, she’s dialing that combination to pepper me with Love Juice-WD.

v day 5

3) Feel like Making Wookie

Being with the same person for a long time can get old. A lot of men (and women) these days cheat on their S.O. with co-workers, and neighbors, and sometimes even alcoholics boozing up at that dive bar down the street. It is natural to want to try someone a little different—you know, add a little lobster to that old slab of cooked meat. Some people try ‘swinging,’ but that can be a little awkward when you bring a screwdriver, and her husband came equipped with jackhammer.

Lucky for you, Big-J’s got your VD solutions. Last year, under C-Jane’s pillow, I’d tucked a Chewbacca mask. Not a cheap one mind you, but one with real Chewy hair! When your woman puts THAT mask on tonight,“POW!” She’s a new kind of animal in bed! (However, C-Jane is short, so it ends up being more like having sex with an unwilling Ewok, so this year I got her a Yoda mask. “The force is strong with this one.”)

4) When in France, do as the French.

Sex, that wonderful experience, grows stale with age. Missionary, in bed, again? Yawn.

That isn’t what God wanted. The French knew better, and they kept their best secrets for themselves. We all know about French Kissing, but have you ever heard of ‘French Farting?’ Of course not, it’s a fuckin secret, that’s why.

It is very intimate, I’m sure. It is suggested that all day on VD, you eat a lot of beans, eggs, and broccoli. Then, after a little cunnilingus and phallacio, you and your partner lock asses. It takes a little practice getting into the optimal position, but after a few attempts, you should be able to fill your lover with your hot gasses. It is truly magical, I hear.

Please, feel free to try all my hot tips this year. Leave a comment as a testimonial to how Big-J saved your relationship. If we could all just love a little more, maybe we could hate a little less.

v day 6

16
Jan
14

Delta Force the Second

(I use Grammarly’s plagiarism checker because Big-J’s evil clone is out there…somewhere…and he is a cheater.)

Today, I’m going to review a CLASSIC Chuck Norris movie – Delta Force 2 (also known as Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection and Delta Force 2: Operation Stranglehold).  Delta Force 2 is a 1990 release that was directed by Aaron Norris (Chuck’s younger brother.) Don’t discount Aaron Norris’s directorial awesomeness—he’d also worked with his older brother on Braddock: Missing in Action 3, another American Classic. This movie was produced by Golan-Globus, a company that did well for itself in the mid- ‘70s to late- ‘80s by turning bottom-barrel scripts into movies. Wait, did I just suggest this movie sucked? Well, a whopping $6.7 million made at the box-office proves otherwise.

Thank you Wikipedia for letting me use this image.

Thank you Wikipedia for letting me use this image.

Check out that poster—muscular Chuck holds a dark determination in his eyes, and a three-barreled rifle in his hands. Look at all those attack helicopter stenciled behind him, Chuck is surely going to kick ass for America in this film. The poster shows mustachio-Chuck, but in the movie he dons the classic Missing in Action beard.

Sadly, I must admit I missed the opening scene. I was visiting my parents while my step-dad channel surfed. When we came across Delta Force 2, I stood up and shouted “Quit surfing! It’s Chuck Norris!” (C-Jane left the room soon after that. Women just cannot handle the dynamic acting power that is Chuck Norris.)

The scene we found was when Chuck and his little buddy are interrogating a drug-dealing slimeball named Ramon Cota while flying miles above the Earth on an airplane. The interrogation must not have gone too well because Chuck Norris throws Ramon out of the plane without a parachute. As he’s falling, the suitcase in his hands opens up, and millions of dollars spill out in a constant streamer above his head. Chuck grabs a parachute and leaps after drug kingpin Ramon. Chuck’s little buddy jumps to, but I’m not really sure why because he doesn’t do anything except add up another minute of film time. Chuck power dives, catching up to Ramon and saves him so the US Justice System can issue…justice. Ramon seems a little shaken by all this thrown from an airplane stuff, but I’m sure it’s just the loss of so much drug money. (Later in the movie, Ramon will say to Chuck in a slimy voice, “You are like me, not afraid of death.”)

The next scene is Ramon, Chuck, and his buddy in the courtroom. Here, we witness the fail of the justice system. The judge knows Ramon is a villain, and he sets his bail at $10 million, and Ramon smirks a villainous smirk. Ramon wipes his ass every morning with $10 million. Chuck’s little buddy yells at the judge and punches Ramon in the face.

I don’t know why, but the judge gets mad at Chuck’s buddy. Proving the audacity of the judge, he then asks Ramon if he wants to press assault charges against Chuck’s little buddy. Ramon does not. Instead, he goes to Chuck’s little buddy’s house and shoots buddy’s pregnant wife and some young guy who we had no investment in. I think he was playing basketball or something. Anyhow, the scene made everyone very sad—especially Chuck. We saw Chuck’s sad face.

Chuck’s little buddy pistol whips Chuck and decides to go after Ramon all by himself. That’s pretty acceptable behavior amongst friends. If one of my friends said, “Big-J, come to my house so you don’t have to stare woefully at your wife’s brain-splattered walls,” I prefer to hit them over the head with the butt of a gun, and leave the country. It’s only courteous.

Without Chuck, little buddy should hereby be known as Widower. At Ramon’s private polo game, the Widower is easily captured along with three DEA agents by Ramon’s evil gunmen. What kind of drug-dealer watches polo? Was the polo scene really necessary? Are you confused enough? No, not yet.

Meanwhile, while Chuck’s brain is hemorrhaging on the Widower’s living room floor, General Taylor holds a very animated press conference in what might be an empty shopping mall. The speech is so mundane I can’t remember its purpose. Oh wait, insert cliché political message.

Who’s General Taylor? General Taylor has four stars on his lapel and is the sole leader of Delta Force, answering only to the President of the United States. Here is more inside info about the General—he skips across the situation room when he’s happy, and he likes to touch men, a lot.

General Taylor has received the VHS tape of the Widower’s execution. Chuck gives an Oscar-worthy performance as he watches the video of the Widower coughing up blood in a gas chamber. Sure, only a couple scenes earlier his pal tried to bash out his brains with a pistol, but Chuck is a gentle warrior, a peaceful protector of liberty. With wandering hands, the ever physical General Taylor informs Chuck that the President has given Delta Force (otherwise known as ‘Chuck’) permission to kick Ramon’s ass.

That is about the half-way point of the movie. I could go on, as the movie certainly did. Knowing you will soon watch Delta Force 2, I’ll spare the deep irony and complex twists weaving this ass-kicking tale of the War on Drugs. There are deep moments to come, like when General Taylor says (with his grabby little arms around Chuck’s waist,) “Let me tell you about your contact. Cota killed her husband in front of her. Then, he killed her baby and used the corpse to smuggle cocaine. Then, he raped her. I wouldn’t mention any of this when you meet her—she’s probably a little touchy about it.

Don’t view that little pearl of dialogue as a spoiler, but consider it foreshadowing of the awesomeness to come.

08
Dec
13

Let the Mockingbird Live

To Kill a Mockingbird is a film based on Harper Lee’s novel by the same name. The film is directed by Robert Mulligan and stars Mary Badham as young ‘Scout,’ and Gregory Peck as her father, Atticus Finch. Robert Duvall has a small, yet very significant role in the movie.

To_Kill_a_Mockingbird_poster

 

Look how boring that poster is. As a culture of movie watchers, we’ve come a long way in creating more enticing movie posters. The poster screams kid movie to me, yet the poster states this movie is inappropriate for kids. Ironically, isn’t Harper Lee’s book considered young adult literature? With this type of marketing, I’d have expected the movie to be a yawn-fest in the theater. On the contrary, the film grossed five-times its production cost. (Once again, I thank Wikipedia for access to that historical information.)

 

Speaking of history, did you know that To Kill a Mockingbird is considered one of the 25 best American films ever made? –Really? There are only 24 movies better than this one? I find that hard to believe. Perhaps the movie translates the nature of the book perfectly, and that is where all the praise come to play, but I doubt that.

 

Please, before you throw curses and rotten food at me, I did think To Kill a Mockingbird was good, just not ‘the top-25 in America’ good. Someday, I’ll make Shortbus list of 25 greatest American movies, and maybe To Kill a Mockingbird will get on the list. Casablanca, Psycho, Apocalypse Now, The Godfather, Unforgiven—there’s five. I bet I can find 20 more movies that are better than Mockingbird, but I’m not here to kill the mockingbird.

 

As a timepiece, this movie is monumental. Its relevance to the influence of Hollywood on American culture is huge. Think back to 1960 in America and the budding Civil Rights movement for blacks. In 1962, Hollywood released a story about a white lawyer defending a black man in the predominantly white town of Maycomb, Alabama. (Maycomb is a town of Harper Lee’s imagining.) Hollywood didn’t start the fire, but they certainly added a fair bit of fuel. Think about Brokeback Mountain and Milk, then realize what Hollywood has done for the gay-rights movement.

 

From the film’s beginning, we see Atticus Finch as an ideal man, the archetypal hero of strong moral fortitude. An early scene shows a farmer bringing a sack of hickory nuts to the home, and Atticus’s daughter, ‘Scout,’ asks why. Atticus explains to his daughter that the farmer was poor, and this was the only mean of compensation available to him. Atticus recognizes the pride of the farmer by accepting this payment for his services. It is a character-defining scene.

 

Narration of the story comes from Scout. Her observations begin innocently as games played with her brother Jem. The goofy neighbor kid named ‘Dill,’ C-Jane informed me that Dill represented Truman Capote–Harper Lee’s friend since childhood. The movie centers around the children learning first-hand the ugliness of racism and the truly noble spirit of their father, Atticus. (Who the children call ‘Atticus,’ and by no other designation but as an equal.)

 

A little deeper into the story, Atticus Finch accepts the case of a black man who has allegedly raped a white teenage girl. Atticus believes the American Judicial System is one of fairness, a system of law which warrants all men equal and worthy of fair representation. Does the black man get a fair trial? You’ll have to watch and see what happens for yourself.

 

To Kill a Mockingbird is an amazing movie, and it inspires me to want to read the book. Watching the movie now, in our time, it reflected how our understanding of what defines a real ‘hero’ has dissolved. Atticus is the hero, and he didn’t blast his enemies with an Uzi, he never raised his hand, let alone his tone of voice; he merely behaved like a man should behave. Perhaps this was why the story is told through the viewpoint of a young girl, so that all the characters could be defined in the absolutes of black and white, with clear cut lines of right against wrong. Or, maybe men were defined differently fifty years ago. This is definitely a movie worth seeing.

 

 

 

26
Nov
13

Land of the Lost

Today’s movie is Lost in Translation. Don’t go to Wikipedia for information on this movie, come here instead. There are too many spoilers in Wiki’s plot summary that will instill a pre-conceived idea. Here are the movie’s basic stats—-

Lost in Translation is a 2003 movie starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson, directed by Sophia Coppola, (You know, that winemaker’s daughter.) This picture from Focus Films co-starred Giovanni Ribisi and Anna Farris. Below this paragraph is the movie poster. Thank you Wiki, you are awesome. (IMDb, you suck!! You wouldn’t share your most awesome movie poster, so now I call you mean names instead of showering you with praise!!)

IMDb doesn't share Movie Posters, but Wiki still does. (It is why I donate every year.)

IMDb doesn’t share Movie Posters, but Wiki still does. (It is why I donate every year.)

Bill Murray is one of my favorite actors. He is in my top forty for sure. Here is why—Caddyshack. Not a good enough reason? Alright, What about Bob? Do you need one more?….BAM! “Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!” Seriously, Bill Murray is a bad ass. So when I attempted to watch this movie eight years ago, I was seriously, Lost in Translation.

Scarlett Johansson is not in my top forty list, but I think she is still very talented. I hear women say, “Oh, that Scarlett—guys only like her cause she’s got big boobs.” To that I say, “no.” She has real talent, and Lost in Translation showed how good she really is. It’s called ‘Presence.’ Bill Murray is a veteran actor and exudes a calm ease in front of any camera. Scarlett, as young as she was in this film, met Bill’s presence while claiming her own mark in this movie.

(Yes, C-Jane DID point out that Scarlett wore see-through panties—and yes—that does tend to cloud my judgment, but in Scarlett Johansson’s defense, the new Conan the Barbarian movie has a plethora of naked nipples in the first 30-minutes, and I still turned off that terrible movie — Click!)

Anyhow, that isn’t the point at all. The point of this movie is how two people meet at very different crossroads in their lives at a hotel in Tokyo—the amazing Tokyo, mind-bendingly unique Tokyo. Charlotte (even sounds like ‘Scarlett’) is two-years into a marriage with a seemingly self-absorbed celebrity photographer (Ribisi) and she is going stir crazy with loneliness. John (Ribisi) is away 90% of the day snapping shots of the vibrant young action star, “Kelly” (Farris.) Is there a curiosity, a jealously, an understanding, a sense of abandonment in a strange land? Enter Bob Harris (Murray,) an accomplished American actor invited to Japan as a celebrity endorsement for a Japanese Whiskey. His life—his wife—have both become stale. Charlotte and Bob meet in the same hotel and bond in a very unique way.

The big critics might disagree with me, but this movie was not a romance, even though it said huge things about adult relationships. Although this movie contained moments of great humor, the truer lessons of loneliness and isolation tempered most of our laughter. The tension of friendship, admiration, and basic human necessities presented in the most awkward of circumstance were magnificently achieved by this quartet of actors, even if only two actors were given most of the screen time and credit.

I wasn’t lost this time…this time, I got it.

21
Nov
13

Here I Am

Wow, it has been a long time. Why, where did I go?

(Please see my Profile for why I went away. My rule has always been made clear.) The new flavor on the Shortbus is movies—that is where it is at. We shall chit-chat about movies—old ones—movies from a time before you could be thrown in jail indefinitely without committing a crime.

Don’t believe me? This law legalizes political witch hunts. You can see it here, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Defense_Authorization_Act but you must scroll down the page halfway to 2012 NDAA controversy. I could link to the full law, but this is written simpler.

Thank you Wiki for the movie poster.

Thank you Wiki for the movie poster.

It is year 2000, and the movie is Traffic. The cast is huge—Michael Douglas, Benicio del Toro, Don Cheadle, Catharine Zeta Jones, Dennis Quaid, Luis Guzmán, with an entire host of fantastic backup actors including Miguel Ferrer, Topher Grace, and Erica Christensen. Steven Soderbergh directed this one, he’s also known for directing the Oceans 11-13 movies.

Michael Douglas plays protagonist Judge Robert Wakefield, the newly appointed czar of the war on drugs. Judge Wakefield is what conservative used to be, he represents a desired archetype of paternal leader, wanting what is best for all Americans, the absolution of the drug epidemic crippling our nation. (Remember, the War on Drugs was the big deal before the War on Terror began in 2002.)  Judge Wakefield is a little obtuse, but a relatable character, and Michael Douglas hones that George Hershel Bush conservative persona very well.

Benicio del Toro plays the secondary protagonist, Mexico’s State Police Officer Javier Rodriguez. Javier is an honest cop in a dishonest system, watching his home city of Tijuana being crushed between two major drug cartels. How do you choose a side when all sides are wrong? Good luck Javier.

Don Cheadle and Luis Guzmán play two narcotics cops who bust a major player. All they’ve got to do is keep their witness alive for the trial. The trial is for (Catharine Zeta Jones) Helena’s husband, who was accused of trafficking illegal drugs into the US. Through Helena, we see the ramifications of the legal system upon an affluent family while waiting for the slow system to take its course. Dennis Quaid plays a family friend who helps her though such difficult times.

This movie served a panoramic view of the futility of the War on Drugs and reflected a general view of the US public sentiment coinciding with the movie’s release. Where the movie was most successful was in showing the politics of drugs on both sides of our southern border. Traffic was a smart movie, smarter than most of the swill that is produced now.

The characters were all believable, their plights frustrating yet understandable. Sadly, the only fail of the movie was with Catharine Zeta Jones’s character. I never could sympathize with her position.  Maybe it is because I don’t have children, or maybe because I’m not rich, but I felt the position of her character seemed a little flat in the end. I cannot say ‘why’ without adding a spoiler.

I liked Don Cheadle’s role in the movie the most, if not Erica Christensen who played Michael Douglas’s drug-experimenting daughter. The double punch-line at the end of the movie was delivered well, and Soderbergh somehow managed to end this bitter pill with a feeling that there was still hope, at least for Mexico, even if it was a long shot.

26
Jul
13

Making a Supreme Taco

Frequently, I hear the excuse, “I can get fast food for less cost than what I’d pay at a grocery store,” and decided to challenge that excuse. I suspected a superior taco could be made for less money out of pocket. Below is what you can find in Taco Bell’s (TB’s) Taco Supreme, and below that, what you can find in Big-J’s Superior Taco.

TB’s Taco Supreme consists of a beef like substance that was boiled in a bag with mystery seasonings, sour cream, inserted in a boxed corn tortilla shell, iceberg lettuce, a portion of tomato that has been pre-diced and kept in a vacuum sealed bag, and a little processed cheddar cheese. I’m not sure how much TB spends on marketing, but that as well as the minimum wage of their employees and the salaries of management staff, and each restaurant’s overhead is also covered in the price of their tacos. They cost $1.39 each (but may be a little more or a little less depending upon where you live.)

Ronald vs KFC

Big-J’s Superior Taco uses pan seared lean beef 94/6 beef/fat ratio, Lawry’s Taco seasoning, organic sour cream, corn tortillas, butter lettuce, diced slice of a vine-ripe tomato, and real cheddar cheese. The total I spent on ingredients was $16.83 which makes about 10 tacos stuffed with meat or 12 tacos at TB’s proportions.  So I pay $1.68 for a fat taco, or $1.40 for a dozen top quality tacos.

I could have gone with a lower quality beef and still have had a better grade meal than whatever TB uses. I could have bought two Roma Tomatoes instead of the vine-ripes and iceberg lettuce replacing butter lettuce for $2 less. Non-organic sour cream would also have been cheaper. The point is that I built a superior version of TB’s Taco Supreme at home for near the price TB sells their tacos. A dozen top-shelf tacos cost only 12-cents more. I promise the 12-cent difference will be noticed in flavor.

06
Jul
13

Reviving the Bus Driver

This blog is too crazy. I tell everyone I’m done, I’m throwing the towel, I’m getting the driver out of the ring. On that same day, six new people step aboard the Shortbus and take their seats on the ride to hell.

Alright, get the defibrillator and the smelling salts. If we can get the driver on his feet, we’ll shove him back into the ring. However, if we are going to try and keep this bus rolling, there must be some new rules.

Rules that make sense, but are difficult to follow.

Umm, on #9, you misspelled rhythm.

Here is an idea for rule #1, I write when there is something to say, and not just because it is ‘time to post something.’ I write out of obligation on the Skyrim FanFic blog. Every Monday in that place, I post 1K-words. That isn’t too bad, really, but I’m also writing short stories for sale, and a third novel. When writing becomes an obligation, it becomes work—the Shortbus should remain fun.

Rule #2, I’ll try and avoid writing about politics. Red or Blue, they aren’t anyone’s pal. Journalist Michael Hastings made an important point about politics just over a week ago, and the cannibals of ‘big-money news’ glossed right over his story. If you don’t know Mr. Hastings, well, someone killed him—that, or his car magically exploded in Hollywood. The only asshole who is going to kill me…is me.

Mine arrived in the mail the other day.

Mine arrived in the mail the other day.

Rule #3 is a continuation of an unnamed rule that has always been on the Shortbus to Hell. I hate sports. HATE sports and will NEVER endorse any athlete or team that is in it for the money. I write because I love the art—I make a shit ounce of money. Contrary to the rule, if you play a sports game for the sake of the game, I can respect that absolutely. Once the line is crossed into ‘Wheaties and Nike,’ F-off, I’m not flipping a nickel your way—let alone a word.

Rule #4, I will avoid book reviews on the Shortbus. Find me on Goodreads. There are two Jake Elliots on Goodreads. The other Jake Elliot writes “Doctor Who audio book(s)” and I write zombie porn stories and heretic books. It really isn’t as bad as I make it sound. The fact is my zombie porn story was one of the soft-core tales in that particular anthology.

For real, story #8 is by Jake Elliot.

For real, story #8 is by Jake Elliot. (My name is listed on left column near bottom.) Picture is by courtesy of Angelic Knight Press

However, movies will be fair game on the Shortbus. It seems 99% of all movies C-Jane and I watch are through Netflix, thanks to Peter Jackson. The Hobbit was so awful, it was the final $25-bucks Hollywood will Jew out of us. Screw you blockbusters, I’ll watch you from my couch––naked if I please (never, unless we’re watching zombie porn.) I’ll eat my twenty cents worth of popcorn without paying $5.50 for it.

Correction; I can’t believe I said that, I must be a God-Damned Nazi!! If you are Jewish, and my above statement has angered you, please feel free to leave an equally inappropriate comment in my comment box. There will be no caustic or acidic response from me—I poked your eye, feel free to poke one of mine. ONE please, I can’t type without eyes.

 

However, at times I’ve called situations ‘Retarded’ and sometimes even ‘Gay,’ yet in truth; I have no animosity toward mentally handicapped people nor am I homophobic. This time, I felt ‘Jewed’ out of my money as being the best descriptor in this instance. Among the few things I truly hate, I hate political correctness. PS-the word ‘Shyster’ has Jewish origins, and also, ‘Usury’ was invented by the Jewish culture. Now, without any ill-will, I wish you all a nice day.




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