Archive for the 'Right or Wrong' Category

13
Feb
14

Big-J’s Big Hot Valentine’s Day Tips

Here we are again, V-Day.

C-Jane and I couldn’t sleep one night. As we laid there in bed, we discussed healthy sex tips we could give to lovers, young and old, to make their love life as rewarding and rich as ours. Cosmopolitan would have named this article, “Four hot tips to make your lover surrender their bunghole on V-Day.”

v day 4

1) You AXEd for it

I had to consult Sexpert Cuz Jo on this one. She said AXE body spray was a real turn off for her. She said, “Nothing says amateur in the sack like the reek of AXE.” However, being a true animal in the sack, I’ve found WD-40 to be the best aphrodisiac. I just spray a little on my chest, and inner thighs, and “BAM!” Women are all over me. C-Jane has grown so sick of judo chopping scantly clad women slavering all over my body, she now keeps the WD-40 in a safe that only she knows the combination. Bom-chicka-bow-wow, bitches!

2) In for a Long Nighty

C-Jane’s got Victoria’s Secret. Sure, lingerie on the right woman is super-hot. But let’s face some facts here, America isn’t getting any sexier, unless bigger is better. If that’s true for you, then have at it, buy her a nighty and rock that bed!

However, I’m getting bigger, and Big-J in lingerie isn’t a pretty sight. So to get C-Jane in the mood, I wear a clown suit. In the background, Al Greene sings, Let’s Get It On, and with big red shoes, here I come, sauntering like a jungle cat in my gold and orange baggy onesie. Next thing you know, she’s dialing that combination to pepper me with Love Juice-WD.

v day 5

3) Feel like Making Wookie

Being with the same person for a long time can get old. A lot of men (and women) these days cheat on their S.O. with co-workers, and neighbors, and sometimes even alcoholics boozing up at that dive bar down the street. It is natural to want to try someone a little different—you know, add a little lobster to that old slab of cooked meat. Some people try ‘swinging,’ but that can be a little awkward when you bring a screwdriver, and her husband came equipped with jackhammer.

Lucky for you, Big-J’s got your VD solutions. Last year, under C-Jane’s pillow, I’d tucked a Chewbacca mask. Not a cheap one mind you, but one with real Chewy hair! When your woman puts THAT mask on tonight,“POW!” She’s a new kind of animal in bed! (However, C-Jane is short, so it ends up being more like having sex with an unwilling Ewok, so this year I got her a Yoda mask. “The force is strong with this one.”)

4) When in France, do as the French.

Sex, that wonderful experience, grows stale with age. Missionary, in bed, again? Yawn.

That isn’t what God wanted. The French knew better, and they kept their best secrets for themselves. We all know about French Kissing, but have you ever heard of ‘French Farting?’ Of course not, it’s a fuckin secret, that’s why.

It is very intimate, I’m sure. It is suggested that all day on VD, you eat a lot of beans, eggs, and broccoli. Then, after a little cunnilingus and phallacio, you and your partner lock asses. It takes a little practice getting into the optimal position, but after a few attempts, you should be able to fill your lover with your hot gasses. It is truly magical, I hear.

Please, feel free to try all my hot tips this year. Leave a comment as a testimonial to how Big-J saved your relationship. If we could all just love a little more, maybe we could hate a little less.

v day 6

26
Jul
13

Making a Supreme Taco

Frequently, I hear the excuse, “I can get fast food for less cost than what I’d pay at a grocery store,” and decided to challenge that excuse. I suspected a superior taco could be made for less money out of pocket. Below is what you can find in Taco Bell’s (TB’s) Taco Supreme, and below that, what you can find in Big-J’s Superior Taco.

TB’s Taco Supreme consists of a beef like substance that was boiled in a bag with mystery seasonings, sour cream, inserted in a boxed corn tortilla shell, iceberg lettuce, a portion of tomato that has been pre-diced and kept in a vacuum sealed bag, and a little processed cheddar cheese. I’m not sure how much TB spends on marketing, but that as well as the minimum wage of their employees and the salaries of management staff, and each restaurant’s overhead is also covered in the price of their tacos. They cost $1.39 each (but may be a little more or a little less depending upon where you live.)

Ronald vs KFC

Big-J’s Superior Taco uses pan seared lean beef 94/6 beef/fat ratio, Lawry’s Taco seasoning, organic sour cream, corn tortillas, butter lettuce, diced slice of a vine-ripe tomato, and real cheddar cheese. The total I spent on ingredients was $16.83 which makes about 10 tacos stuffed with meat or 12 tacos at TB’s proportions.  So I pay $1.68 for a fat taco, or $1.40 for a dozen top quality tacos.

I could have gone with a lower quality beef and still have had a better grade meal than whatever TB uses. I could have bought two Roma Tomatoes instead of the vine-ripes and iceberg lettuce replacing butter lettuce for $2 less. Non-organic sour cream would also have been cheaper. The point is that I built a superior version of TB’s Taco Supreme at home for near the price TB sells their tacos. A dozen top-shelf tacos cost only 12-cents more. I promise the 12-cent difference will be noticed in flavor.

06
Jul
13

Reviving the Bus Driver

This blog is too crazy. I tell everyone I’m done, I’m throwing the towel, I’m getting the driver out of the ring. On that same day, six new people step aboard the Shortbus and take their seats on the ride to hell.

Alright, get the defibrillator and the smelling salts. If we can get the driver on his feet, we’ll shove him back into the ring. However, if we are going to try and keep this bus rolling, there must be some new rules.

Rules that make sense, but are difficult to follow.

Umm, on #9, you misspelled rhythm.

Here is an idea for rule #1, I write when there is something to say, and not just because it is ‘time to post something.’ I write out of obligation on the Skyrim FanFic blog. Every Monday in that place, I post 1K-words. That isn’t too bad, really, but I’m also writing short stories for sale, and a third novel. When writing becomes an obligation, it becomes work—the Shortbus should remain fun.

Rule #2, I’ll try and avoid writing about politics. Red or Blue, they aren’t anyone’s pal. Journalist Michael Hastings made an important point about politics just over a week ago, and the cannibals of ‘big-money news’ glossed right over his story. If you don’t know Mr. Hastings, well, someone killed him—that, or his car magically exploded in Hollywood. The only asshole who is going to kill me…is me.

Mine arrived in the mail the other day.

Mine arrived in the mail the other day.

Rule #3 is a continuation of an unnamed rule that has always been on the Shortbus to Hell. I hate sports. HATE sports and will NEVER endorse any athlete or team that is in it for the money. I write because I love the art—I make a shit ounce of money. Contrary to the rule, if you play a sports game for the sake of the game, I can respect that absolutely. Once the line is crossed into ‘Wheaties and Nike,’ F-off, I’m not flipping a nickel your way—let alone a word.

Rule #4, I will avoid book reviews on the Shortbus. Find me on Goodreads. There are two Jake Elliots on Goodreads. The other Jake Elliot writes “Doctor Who audio book(s)” and I write zombie porn stories and heretic books. It really isn’t as bad as I make it sound. The fact is my zombie porn story was one of the soft-core tales in that particular anthology.

For real, story #8 is by Jake Elliot.

For real, story #8 is by Jake Elliot. (My name is listed on left column near bottom.) Picture is by courtesy of Angelic Knight Press

However, movies will be fair game on the Shortbus. It seems 99% of all movies C-Jane and I watch are through Netflix, thanks to Peter Jackson. The Hobbit was so awful, it was the final $25-bucks Hollywood will Jew out of us. Screw you blockbusters, I’ll watch you from my couch––naked if I please (never, unless we’re watching zombie porn.) I’ll eat my twenty cents worth of popcorn without paying $5.50 for it.

Correction; I can’t believe I said that, I must be a God-Damned Nazi!! If you are Jewish, and my above statement has angered you, please feel free to leave an equally inappropriate comment in my comment box. There will be no caustic or acidic response from me—I poked your eye, feel free to poke one of mine. ONE please, I can’t type without eyes.

 

However, at times I’ve called situations ‘Retarded’ and sometimes even ‘Gay,’ yet in truth; I have no animosity toward mentally handicapped people nor am I homophobic. This time, I felt ‘Jewed’ out of my money as being the best descriptor in this instance. Among the few things I truly hate, I hate political correctness. PS-the word ‘Shyster’ has Jewish origins, and also, ‘Usury’ was invented by the Jewish culture. Now, without any ill-will, I wish you all a nice day.

19
Jun
13

Crashing the Shortbus

Yup, killed to death.

Yup, killed to death.

I felt the tires slip upon the tarmac and wheel go wild in my hands. Sliding noisily, the shortbus missed its turn and elbowed around a tree, its driver flung like bloody meat through the windshield. There were no survivors.

What happened? Was it a banana peel? No, it was a royalties check. I won’t say how bad the royalties check was, but it was awful. It was bad enough that I would intentionally drive my bus into a tree to collect the insurance money––but there is a minor setback. Shortbus drivers are uninsured.

What will I do now that my shortbus is a mangled wreck? Walk away? Some friends suggest I self-publish my next book. Take control over pricing, and be able to offer my third and greatest book to readers for free. One of my author friends has done well with self-publishing—comparative to my awful royalties check.

soon

Being a fan of Jesus, I’m going to tell a Shortbus style parable. Here you go…

One upon a time there was a telemetry technician who worked in a hospital. He knew how to interpret cardiac rhythms so as to help medical teams quickly respond to critically ill patients and save lives. He was very attentive, and fairly astute at determining dangerous heart changes from non-dangerous rhythms.

But one ICU manager didn’t like how this technician sat around watching computer screens all day. She didn’t think watching over sick, critically ill patients was enough work for the tech. So, she and her micro-managing charge nurse conspired against the tech who watched over the sick and the dying. Although it wasn’t his duty, they made him transfer doctors’ orders to nursing charts. A duty that averted the telemetry technician’s focus from dangerous and sometimes fatal heart rhythms to charting medicines he wasn’t educated in the use of, or proper dosing. The ICU manager said, “You’ll figure it out.”

One day, while the telemetry tech was trying to read a doctor’s shitty scribble, a patient went into a fatal cardiac rhythm—and died. The tech was blamed for not doing his job—and fired. The end.

Karma

Nice parable, aye? It might be true, or maybe not. Jesus was never clear, so why should I be?

The point is this, I am a writer. I am not a publisher. Some people might have two heads and with their two heads be good at wearing two hats, but I have no desire to slack my primary duty to make way for one I’m not educated to perform. It is hard enough writing a book. Then selling that book, and then marketing that book. I have no interest in being the publisher too.

The shortbus is crashed, but there are other facets of my writing to be found for free.

Here is my fantasy fiction hobby blog—http://skyrimprodigy.wordpress.com/

Here is my professional webpage—http://jakeelliotfiction.com/

Dead Cupid

22
Mar
13

How to Get to Ireland When You are Poor

Ireland 027

C-Jane and I just got back from Ireland. Many people have said, “WTF? We make twenty-times what you make in a year, and we can’t go to Ireland!” That is a true statement, if you’re a fry-cook for a fast-food restaurant, you made twice as much money as I did last year, I promise. It is said that 10% of all professional writers make over $10,000 a year; I am among the 90%.

So, how does a poor bastard like Big-J get to Ireland for a week? Part of it is savings from the evil hospital job that I foolishly/wisely left a couple years ago. But that is only marginal. Here are the major contributors to having a week long international vacation.

Ireland 199

1) Ireland is hurting for money

Ireland has financially suffered like the U.S. is about to suffer. To help pull themselves out of their mess, they’ve offered awesome vacation packages to stimulate their economy. To get our great deal, we had to buy our package a year ago, but it was such a sweet deal that C-Jane and I couldn’t refuse. $1200 for both of us, covering hotels and breakfasts, transportation via tour bus, and visiting three cities including Dublin for Saint Patrick’s Day.

2) No cable/satellite television

By sacrificing this useless service, we’ve saved over $600 each year for the last two years. Not only did that cover the cost of our tour, but neither of us have been brainwashed, leaving us as free thinking people. We also suffer less from fear and anxiety than most Americans, thanks to the absence of constant media programing.

3) Basic phone plan

We do not have smart phones. We spend $125 less per month than the average American couple for phone service. This covered our air-fare. Verizon gives lots of money to political groups that are tricking us out of our rights. As free-thinking Americans, we want to limit their ability to continue giving our money to political groups that don’t represent the majority of Americans. Once our contract with them is over, we will find a cheaper phone plan and save more money for our next trip AND continue the fight to maintain our rights.

Ireland 215

4) No debt

C-Jane has paid off her student loans at a great sacrifice—she worked, and as a result paid them. We own our cars and we rent an affordable apartment. People who watch cable/satellite TV tend to believe the lies about the value of owning a home. Barely 1% of all Americans own a home; it is the banks who own them—as proven by the thousands of loan defaults over the past six years. C-Jane and I cut our credit cards into tiny pieces years ago. We are free.

5) Economy cars

C-Jane has a hybrid Honda, I drive an Elantra. We average 37MPG and we try to go everywhere together making one big circular route to knock out our errands. We pay $60 per month on gasoline.

6) Waste reduction

We waste nothing. The average American throws away tons of stuff every year. We take home un-eaten food from restaurants, we eat out as little as we can, we cook at home, we plan our meals, we wear our clothes until they serve us no longer, we shop at farmers’ markets, and we rent movies through Netflix as opposed to shelling out $22 per movie.

7) No children

Enough said. We all choose how we live. C-Jane and I have chosen to go to Ireland with our limited money, not produce expensive rug-rats. I realize some people actually want children, and I believe that if the above six points were sacrificed as aggressively as we have done, you and your children could go to Ireland for a week. Hell, if you aren’t a writer, you’d have tons of expendable money.

Ireland 160




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