Here we are again, V-Day.
C-Jane and I couldn’t sleep one night. As we laid there in bed, we discussed healthy sex tips we could give to lovers, young and old, to make their love life as rewarding and rich as ours. Cosmopolitan would have named this article, “Four hot tips to make your lover surrender their bunghole on V-Day.”
1) You AXEd for it
I had to consult Sexpert Cuz Jo on this one. She said AXE body spray was a real turn off for her. She said, “Nothing says amateur in the sack like the reek of AXE.” However, being a true animal in the sack, I’ve found WD-40 to be the best aphrodisiac. I just spray a little on my chest, and inner thighs, and “BAM!” Women are all over me. C-Jane has grown so sick of judo chopping scantly clad women slavering all over my body, she now keeps the WD-40 in a safe that only she knows the combination. Bom-chicka-bow-wow, bitches!
2) In for a Long Nighty
C-Jane’s got Victoria’s Secret. Sure, lingerie on the right woman is super-hot. But let’s face some facts here, America isn’t getting any sexier, unless bigger is better. If that’s true for you, then have at it, buy her a nighty and rock that bed!
However, I’m getting bigger, and Big-J in lingerie isn’t a pretty sight. So to get C-Jane in the mood, I wear a clown suit. In the background, Al Greene sings, Let’s Get It On, and with big red shoes, here I come, sauntering like a jungle cat in my gold and orange baggy onesie. Next thing you know, she’s dialing that combination to pepper me with Love Juice-WD.
3) Feel like Making Wookie
Being with the same person for a long time can get old. A lot of men (and women) these days cheat on their S.O. with co-workers, and neighbors, and sometimes even alcoholics boozing up at that dive bar down the street. It is natural to want to try someone a little different—you know, add a little lobster to that old slab of cooked meat. Some people try ‘swinging,’ but that can be a little awkward when you bring a screwdriver, and her husband came equipped with jackhammer.
Lucky for you, Big-J’s got your VD solutions. Last year, under C-Jane’s pillow, I’d tucked a Chewbacca mask. Not a cheap one mind you, but one with real Chewy hair! When your woman puts THAT mask on tonight,“POW!” She’s a new kind of animal in bed! (However, C-Jane is short, so it ends up being more like having sex with an unwilling Ewok, so this year I got her a Yoda mask. “The force is strong with this one.”)
4) When in France, do as the French.
Sex, that wonderful experience, grows stale with age. Missionary, in bed, again? Yawn.
That isn’t what God wanted. The French knew better, and they kept their best secrets for themselves. We all know about French Kissing, but have you ever heard of ‘French Farting?’ Of course not, it’s a fuckin secret, that’s why.
It is very intimate, I’m sure. It is suggested that all day on VD, you eat a lot of beans, eggs, and broccoli. Then, after a little cunnilingus and phallacio, you and your partner lock asses. It takes a little practice getting into the optimal position, but after a few attempts, you should be able to fill your lover with your hot gasses. It is truly magical, I hear.
Please, feel free to try all my hot tips this year. Leave a comment as a testimonial to how Big-J saved your relationship. If we could all just love a little more, maybe we could hate a little less.